Sunday, July 10, 2016

About to get uncomfortable (part1 of 2)

Have you ever felt invincible?  You're on top of the world, going to school, got a cute boyfriend. You're a starter point guard on the JV team, junior year (or not really) but then something just bring you back to earth?  Let's just say I've had boobie issues since I was a teenager.  In high school I remember crying and crying in my boyfriends arms telling him I was going to Kaiser for a check up.  Well, at 16 or 17 if you're fairly healthy and went for checkups it would probably be like a physical or something pretty much routine.  Right? No biggie.  Yikes! well it wasn't for me, I was scared to death at the time.  I thought I'd get wheeled into the hospital because I was experiencing breast pain, I had been experiencing pain and never told my mom about it.  You know those times you try to self diagnose yourself, maybe I got elbowed in a game, maybe I am still developing, you know? Growing pains, but maybe one was bound to be bigger than the other?  Well broke the news to my mom one day and we set up an appointment.  I was so nervous.  I had my first ultrasound in my late teens and they found that I had dense breast tissue, or fibrocystic tissue and well around that time of the month for years my right side would throb like a muther (insert a bad word here).  And sadly the Dr confirmed it was not a growth spurt (dissapointment emoji here porfavor)

FAST FORWARD many, many years later to when my oldest was 1 year and 5 months (Or for those who like to tell the age of their child in consecutive months like the lease of a car 36 months, then my daughter was 17 months old) side note: poking fun at that cause I find it hilarious... Just staaap it! People think you're weird) 

Back to my story: I can't remember why I was there at the time and I thought it would be a good idea to tell the dr that my mom had breast cancer in 2005 and my dear cousin was battling it herself at the time as well.  I asked if they would schedule me for an ultrasound or mammogram.  I had just stopped nursing 5 months prior.  I figured that's pretty traumatic for the breast right? Nursing and pumping and 100% going at it for 12 months!

Side note: tooting my own horn here-moment: Pat on my back because I've never felt so proud, then also so rejected at the same time, because at a year and a week exactly my baby was like peace out mom, I graduate from this stuff, it was good, no hard feelings, but let's move on) anyone know this feeling? Isn't it you always want to be the one to break up with the other person? RIGHT? And for it to be your baby who you are working day and night to bring home the bacon... I mean the milk for? That innocent little face that just looks up at you and giggles and is so over you and breastfeeding that just crushes your heart... Aww it was awful, I cried a few nights over it.  Not the week in the knees kinda-cry when your getting dumped, ouch cause that shit hurts too) 

Back on track here... Are you following? Have I lost yet? Ok here we go:

So basically why not get a breast check up after all to see what was even left of them... They did a mammogram and an ultrasound too both the same day.  Didn't have to miss work the whole day.  I hate missing because of anything dr related.  So the ultrasound tech did her thing, there you are exposed to the elements and it's cold and the gel that thing stays warm for a .5 a second.  Not cool.  But sure enough, knowing me "so how do you like your job" then I think what the... Was I thinking? She must really like it right? I think who's in the medical field and doesn't have a passion for it.  So here I go again with more stupid questions "so how long have you been an ultrasound tech? That is what you are? Ultrasound tech?" Not only do I probably irritate people but I must offend a lot of people on the way.  They are all pretty courteous, and dammit they are all so hard to crack, I'm sure it's in their oath,  if they even have one when they get sworn in for their jobs.  Does Kaiser administer an oath to their patients? 

Maybe it goes like this:

"Do you solemnly swear that you are never to give good or bad news, that the patient must remain your patient and never your friend, that you hold your composure when you see something wrong and without any hesitation you respond with "I'm not allowed to tell you ma'm the radiology department will contact you in 3-5 business days"..... So help you God?"

I don't know, I'm so not mocking their system of operation here, but I get it, people don't want to assume things and don't want to be held liable for any misrepresentations.  I think that's why I'm not cut out for that kind of field.  I'd be too honest.  For example if I was an X-ray person and someone came in after a bike fall or a bad stumble? I would most likely think out loud "holly shit how bad was the fall sir? You got like 20 fractures here, not to worry though, you're in the right place and we're here to help" 

OH MY!!! Can you imagine! I wouldn't last a day or someone would pop me right on my lip or cheek, depending on my angle. 

But yeah when I am nervous? I most likely ask the most stupid questions. And I'm probably the worst patient.  So surely enough the tech is doing her thing I am hammering her with questions, she's been there a year, loves her job, no kids, two dogs, recently engaged, loves wearing scrubs, she doesn't need to get creative when picking clothes because they're all blue... Man I was on a ROLL, she stopped me dead in my tracks.  She went to go get the dr. For a minute I thought she was gonna ask to get relieved because I wouldn't shut up, but she said "stay with the gown open, I'll be right back I want the Dr to take a look at something".   My heart sank, everything that could go through your mind when you are terrified went through my mind... He then comes in and says "there is a 20% chance what we see can be cancer but we need to do a biopsy" wow I went back out to the waiting room feeling like the tiniest person, like a little tiny ant lost in a big world. I hugged my husband and cried and was just terrified and here's where it gets good: remember the boyfriend I cried to in high-school? Well that happens to my husband too (babe if you read this know I love you, you've seen me at my worst and in every emotional state possible - mostly stuck on bitch state - but nonetheless you still love me too)

(I know I sometimes wish I came with a mute button myself) - ^ what the nurse was thinking. 

So yep, went back in for the biopsy a couple days later for an ultrasound guided biopsy and had been praying with all my might, gave it up to God and it was at a bit stressful having to wait, that the worse, more time alone with your own crazy mind is so not fair.  But Thank GOD the results were that it was not cancer.  

If you're a friend or family member you probably knew about this, I may have called you, texted you, emailed you, Instagram DM'ed you and I thank you for your prayers and support. I personally don't like long nails or acrylics so be thankful that I don't because everytime I'd break a nail and if it was a painful one you'd probably be getting a call, a text, an email, an Instagram DM too.  ;) 

There will be a part two to this long post.  The "fast forward 4 years later" part from this point on in my story.  Stay tunned.  It's 2 am and I'm just beat.

Good night! 

Disclaimer:  thoughts and story here - all mine.
Emotions and being scared and distraught all true.
-Gabbing people's ears off at Kaiser: so true.
-Love Kaiser and nothing but the best experiences there.  -Boyfriend- to husband, true story. 
-Ant I mention above was not harmed during the making of my story. 


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